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, by Stephen Snyder M.D.
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Product details
File Size: 1633 KB
Print Length: 289 pages
Publisher: St. Martin's Press (February 13, 2018)
Publication Date: February 13, 2018
Sold by: Macmillan
Language: English
ASIN: B073Z8CBQ4
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Amazon Best Sellers Rank:
#27,073 Paid in Kindle Store (See Top 100 Paid in Kindle Store)
Forget the title. Like “listiclesâ€, it seems that publishers believe that every sexuality book has to market itself this way or die. This book doesn’t teach about how to have “ridiculously good sexâ€. It’s not actually a how-to book, it’s a how-to-understand book—which is probably a better idea. Snyder takes his many years of experience working with couples and shares some very helpful ideas. I found many gems in this book, and I can recommend it as a good read that may be instrumental for many who struggle with repetitive sexual problems in their relationship or relationships.First, it must be noted (as the author himself states) that Snyder works mostly with cisgender, heterosexual couples, so even though there are one or two examples of queer couples in his book, it is largely a straight, cis lens. Having said this, many of his insights are intra-psychic as well as interpersonal, and as such, may be relatable across the queer-straight divide. Also of note is that Snyder is religious, and this comes through in his quotes as well as his values. For what it’s worth, I found him unpreachy, and I appreciated that the author reveals his faith early so that the reader can decide what may and may not be relevant to them. He also uses language and concepts that are relatable to many different expressions of spirituality.Now for the gems. I found many. Snyder has been in practice a long time—over 30 years. He has learned a lot, and passes it on to his readers. He begins by talking about the sexual self as well as sexual feelings, and how to care for them. He lays out some key pieces of the psychological end of arousal. He speaks of the sexual self—an interpretation of Avodah Offit’s work--as a less-than verbal, simple (but not easy) part of ourselves. Within this insight come many:• “If it feels like work, don’t do it. Sex should never feel like work, as you know.â€â€¢ “You don’t have to return your partner to a state of quiescence every time they get excited.â€â€¢ “It’s absolutely crucial that when you go looking for (erotic inspiration), that you first look within yourself.â€If you’re reading this and find yourself critical of these insights, or if they seem simplistic, I encourage you to read them within the context of the book, where they make more sense and are placed in a much deeper frame of reference. I can’t do the richness of Snyder’s writing and thinking justice in this brief review.Snyder also discusses the deterioration of the Sensate Focus method to the point where it is now practiced in the opposite manner it was intended, due to decades of poor communication of the concept. He calls for a return to the original method, which made this sexologist take note to research this in greater depth.The author sets up a lot of great models for his couples: The Two-Step, the Simmer, arousal models. He also discusses what he calls “Sex Knotsâ€â€”common conundrums couples become engaged in, and offers some simple fixes to try at the book’s end.He also has a great sense of humor. One of my favorite lines from the first chapter, “There are better ways of handling a ‘no.’ They all involve first resolving not to freak out.’†He calls a section on scent, “Of Sweaty T-Shirts and the Tops of Baby’s Heads.†It’s a fun read.But it’s also a deep read, because in the end, Snyder is prescribing a return not to sex per se, but to erotic life. He’s prescribing mindfulness, attention, playfulness, spirit, intimacy and joy, all in the not unreasonable hope that in becoming more erotically alive, the reader can also become more sexually alive.It’s not a “how-to†book. It’s a “why†and a “what†book. As such, it may actually live up to its title.
Dr. Snyder's book offers wise advice for couples that seek to repair or just nurture their sexual intimacy. His approach is fundamentally different than any other "sex" book you have ever read. Sex books typically focus entirely on sex, with little attention to relationship or heart-to-heart intimacy. Relationship books are at the other extreme - focusing on relationship with little focus on sex. Dr. Snyder finds the midpoint - focusing on practical ways to build or nurture intimacy, in ways that will likely lead to desire and arousal, and so set the stage for joyful and fulfilling sex.The fundamental idea here is that sex is about feelings - primarily your own feelings. And, that it is healthy to listen to and understand those feelings. By doing so, you set the stage for lasting, joyful and fulfilling sexual intimacy with your beloved.I got to the end wishing there was more, and also feeling just a bit like "Is that all?" The ideas are so simple, and much of the book is repetitive as he focuses on about three or four simple ideas and uses a variety of stories to illustrate how these ideas could play out in real life. Snyder is a great story-teller, and the stories illustrate how you would put his ideas into action, and how to work change in your relationship.One example to give you a flavor of the approach of the book - something Dr. Snyder calls "simmering." Dr. Snyder suggests that over the years, couples lose the idea that small moments of low level arousal are a good thing. Foe example, the wife may think that arousing her husband without moving forward to sex is cruel, that if he gets aroused that she has an obligation to provide sexual release. Dr. Snyder calls B.S. on this, and encourages couples to enjoy moments of intentional arousal as an activity to be enjoyed for its own sake, and without any expectation or pressure for anything else. So, before heading out the door in the morning, have a full body hug, wrap your arms around each other, kiss deeply, inhale each other's scent and look deeply into your spouse's eyes. This is a two minute recharge to your relationship. Something you can do even when sex is not immediately in the cards, even when one spouse is absolutely, definitely not up for sex. Simply enjoy the "charge" of being aroused by your spouse. Reading about simmering in his book lead to one of those "Aha!" kind of moments, where you recognize something you sort of almost (but not quite) understood, but could never quite put into words.I read this through quickly - always thinking "OK, this guy is definitely on to something." Now, I'll go back and re-read slowly and thoughtfully. Thinking carefully about how to put these ideas into action so that I can nurture the kind of intimacy I want in my own marriage.I've been married for a long time. Our relationship is solid and loving. But, long term relationships are not easy. You have to be intentional about nurturing your love for each other. Dr. Snyder's ideas are simple, but solid. This is a book that really speaks to me.
"The Rules of Desire are Rules of the Heart." What a beautiful opening to chapter 1. Be prepared to be surprised (Great sex isn't necessarily about what you think it is) and delighted. Dr. Stephen Snyder is a wise, loving and witty guide for navigating the waters of this most essential topic. Every couple should read this book and there's be a lot more great sex--and a lot more happiness--out there. Thank you, Dr. Snyder. I am so enjoying this book and recommending it to all my friends. I recommend it to you, as well!
I have followed Dr. Snyder's blogs and other on line articles. He has an intelligent, creative, knowledgeable approach to discussion of sex and relationships. He makes this subject matter natural(no feeling of right or wrong) he writes in an easy, accessible manner..as though you are having a non judgemental discussion with a very insightful friend..throw in a dash of humor and you have a book like none other. No" how to" list or complicated preparations. Just be there and open to feel a kind of closeness and delight like no other guide. I read this quickly because it is engaging..even went back to parts to re-enjoy Dr. Snyder's style, antidotes. This book is never a boring, how to guide. It is so on point and so touching in discovering the wonders of true love of self and ur other. This is for everyone and i am sure you will not feel the same about urself, your partner and what is possible in your most intimate realms. I will be reading it again as I gain new insights with each sit down with "Love Worth Making". Dr. Snyder is special and this book is a reflection of that specialness.
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